No One Knows
by vic32
Summary: While packing stuff to move to Britin, Brian finds something that hits him emotionally.
1. Chapter 1

Brian smiled when he heard the persistent buzzing coming from the intercom, indicating someone wanted entrance to the building. Smirking, he walked over and pressed the button on the intercom. "Yeah, who is it?" he asked, rolling his lips under in amusement, because he knew exactly who it was.

Michael scowled, trying to balance the boxes in his hands. "Open the door, asshole, and make sure the elevator is down and that damned door of yours is open! These boxes are heavy!"

Shaking his head and laughing, Brian replied, "Sure, Mikey," pressing the buzzer to let his friend up and making sure that the elevator was down there with the gate up and the door to his loft open for his friend to enter.

* * *

Mickey dumped the boxes on the ground inside the loft, glaring at his best friend with his hands on his hips as he struggled to catch his breath. "You could have come down and carried some up, you know," he pointed out.

Biting into his apple, Brian chuckled after swallowing the piece. "Where is the fun in that? Besides, you managed just fine."

Michael muttered, "You really are an asshole, aren't you? Okay, so where do we start? What are you taking to the house, and what stays here in the loft?"

Throwing the apple core into the bin Brian wiped his hands on a towel. "Well, the rest of Justin's art stuff is coming with us, along with the photo albums and some summer clothes and personal papers."

Scratching his head, Michael looked around at everything before he replied, "Okay. How about I do the art stuff and clothes, and you do the personal papers and photos albums?"

Nodding, Brian replied, "Yeah that sounds good. All the clothes are on the couch that need boxing up, next to his art stuff."

"Got it." Michael went to work, very carefully wrapping the breakables and the more expensive art supplies before placing them in the boxes and labeling each one with a big, black marker as he went.

Just as he was moving onto the clothes, he noticed that Brian had become very quiet and very still. He appeared to be reading something. Worried, he asked, "Brian, are you okay?"

* * *

 _A few moments earlier…_

Brian was pulling out the albums, placing them in the boxes and remembering to label them as he went. Luckily, all the personal papers were already boxed in a fireproof box, so he just had to move it from the closet. A familiar, leather journal tumbled from the top shelf as he was moving the last of the photo albums.

Sitting on the bed, Brian immediately recognized what it was - and who it belonged to. He hesitated for a moment before he slowly opened it up and flicked through it, noticing the familiar scrawl of Justin's handwriting. Taking a breath as he decided whether to read any of it or not, he recalled that his partner had told him that he could read any of his writing at any time, but did he really want to? As he pondered that question, the words _No One Knows_ caught his eye, and he knew he had to read what followed.

 **Justin's thoughts…**..

Date: 12/Dec. Who cares what year, right?

 _No one knows how deep my thoughts go, or where they go. I feel like I'm in a black hole with no light in sight._

 _I think about it daily, the many ways in which I could end it all to make this deep-set pain go away. Not just physical, but the mental and emotional pain._

 _I've thought about many things. Jumping off a tall building and feeling myself fly, or diving into the depths of the ocean and just letting myself sink._

 _So many ways. Pills, a razor blade, a gun. So many ways in which I could end this deep pain. Trust me, there are many tools in an artist's bag that would do the trick. An artist using their own tools to end it all. There would be some kind of poetic justice in that, wouldn't it? I bet Brian would have some sarcastic, tongue-in-cheek thing to say about that, but it would be borne out of pain and anger over what I had done, not only to my family, but to him as well._

 _What's stopping me? What's keeping me going is the knowledge that I'd leave behind an even_ _ **bigger**_ _pain._

 _My family, my friends, but most of all Brian. I couldn't and wouldn't do that to them, to_ _ **him**_ _._

 _I was given a choice when I faced death's door. I stood in a set of corridors, with two doors. One held heaven, and one held heaven on Earth with Brian and my family. I chose earth. Brian was standing there, looking down into my arms as he held me close and smiled, whispering to me, "Come look, Sunshine". So I took a step forward and kept going until I was right there by his side..._

 _I know we have a lot more to come, to look forward to. Brian was holding a baby girl in his arms as he stood at that door. Maybe that's in our future. Maybe Who's to know? So I had to go back to find out and to live, to see, and to love._

 _No one knows, and I'm sure someday Brian will read this. When he does, I hope that this won't be too much for him, and he understands why I didn't say anything at the time._

 _He is my rock and my life, and I'm lucky to have him. I can't wait to build a life with him._

* * *

Brian closed the book, touching it to his forehead as he inhaled a shuddery breath.

Worried now, Michael sat next to him, putting his arm around him in a hug. "Brian, what's wrong?" He watched as his friend tightly clutched the simple, worn, spiral notebook in his hands.

Michael was taken aback by the look in his friend's eyes when Brian peered over at him. "I had no idea. I knew he was depressed, Mikey, but I…" He sat there, stunned.

Without having to ask, Michael knew Brian had to be talking about Justin. He could see some doodling on the book, and instantly recognized the blond's handiwork. "What is it? What's it say?" he asked, reaching over to try and extract the book from Brian's hands, only to have Brian pull back from him slightly, holding onto the notebook almost in a death grip.

Brian shook his head. He and Michael had shared a lot of secrets over the years, and Michael had always kept his confidence, but _this_. This was something he did not want to share. Something that was just between him and the man he loved. The man who had taught him what it meant to love...and that it was okay to BE loved. "Sorry, Mikey," he replied softly with a shake of his head, the book now lying against his chest, right over his heart. "This is something that I just can't share this time. Something between only Justin and me. I... hope you understand."

Michael felt a momentary pang of hurt that Brian wouldn't divulge what was in the notebook. But at the same time, he could tell, however, that whatever was written in the notebook had to be deeply personal, simply by the haunted look on his friend's face. And to be honest, he hadn't always told Brian about things that he and Ben had shared over the years, so he knew he had to respect his friend's wishes. He nodded. "Yeah," he responded after a pause. "I think I understand. But if there's anything you ever need, or that I can do…"

Through watery eyes, Brian smiled in gratitude, glad that his friend wasn't going to pressure him to share what he had read. "Thanks, Mikey. For understanding...and for always being there for me."

No words were said as Michael hugged his friend tightly. But it was enough to give Brian the strength he needed to make sure his life with Justin would be everything that it could be; everything that Justin deserved. That they BOTH deserved.

* * *

Later that night, Brian welcomed Justin home with a deep and loving kiss and a warm embrace as he whispered the words, " _I love you. You're my heaven on Earth, too."_

Blinking back tears, Justin knew then that he had read his words and that he understood and loved him even more. That no matter what was thrown at them in life, they were stronger together.


	2. Chapter 2

They embraced for a long while, lost in the comfort of each other's arms. Pulling back slightly to look into Brian's eyes, Justin asked quietly, "Would you like to talk about what I wrote?"

Taking a deep breath and biting his lip, Brian nodded. "If you _want_ to talk about it."

Holding Brian's hand, Justin silently led him to the fireplace, where a blazing fire was flickering. They sat face to face, knees touching and holding hands, resting their foreheads together and gaining strength until they could speak.

Brian was the first to break the silence, his voice choked with emotion as he explained, "I didn't know. I didn't know that your thoughts went that dark. I could have…," he closed his eyes and paused, letting out a shaky breath. "I would have listened if you had needed to talk to me," he murmured, opening his eyes once more as he continued. " You didn't have to go through that alone; _face_ that alone. God, all that pain, Justin!"

Squeezing his lover's hands, Justin reassured him softly, "I know you would have. But when you're stuck in your head, lost in all the millions of thoughts swirling around inside you at the speed of light, you don't think rationally. Your heart is telling you to talk, to trust someone. But your head is saying 'shut up, shut up, shut up, don't talk,' they'll just think that you are some silly, fucking coward."

Brian opened his mouth to protest, but he stopped when he sensed that Justin wasn't finished.

Grateful that Brian somehow understood that he wasn't done, he explained, "Everything was falling apart and spiralling down around me: the panic attacks, the tremors, my dad. Seeing the pity on people's faces made me want to throw up. Knowing how hurt you were, the look of despair on my mother's face, and my sister…" He swallowed hard. "Molly didn't understand what was going on. She just knew something was really wrong, and I know she was worried about me. And there wasn't a damn thing I could do about it." Justin took a moment to steel himself; even now, it was extremely painful to relive what had happened, even if he mainly only knew the aftermath of that night.

Leaning forward, Brian brushed his lips against Justin's, trying to keep his own emotions in check. "Keep going, Sunshine; tell me," he urged him.

Justin nodded, drawing strength from his lover's soothing voice. "I knew better, or at least I should have known better. But when you were in the dark place that I was in, you aren't rational; you aren't looking at things properly. And I kept hearing this voice in my head, telling me that I had caused what had happened." He shook his head as he noticed Brian about to argue the point. "I know that you blamed yourself; that you thought it was _your_ fault, but none of it was. You were the one who saved me, who kept me grounded, and encouraged me to keep going and not give up." Justin blinked back tears as he looked through glistening eyes at his lover to admit, "And I would have, Brian. I came *this" close to doing just that. If you hadn't been there for me..." He swallowed hard, temporarily unable to continue.

Brian could hear a crack in Justin's voice, so squeezing his left hand in reassurance, he rose from the couch long enough to grab a bottled water from the mini fridge. Truthfully, he needed a moment himself to digest what Justin had just said. The thought that his soulmate would even consider such a thing filled him with horror, because he could never imagine a life without him in it. He now realized how close he had come to losing him. As he retrieved the water, he took just a brief moment to compose himself and steady his emotions before turning to sit back down where he had been before. For now, this was about Justin; he had to keep his own thoughts in check for his sake.

Accepting the water and taking a sip before placing the bottle down on the nearby coffee table, Justin thanked him with a gentle, grateful kiss, calming Brian's unsettled nerves somewhat.

Holding Brian's hands again to maintain his composure and gain some emotional strength, Justin explained, "Then, when you came back from that client meeting in Aspen and brought me that journal - that beautiful book to write in - I just sat down and poured out all of my darkest thoughts onto it, and the more I wrote, the better I felt. It was like a cut that wouldn't heal suddenly became better, and…" he struggled to properly express that moment, "...it was like this oppressive weight had been lifted from my shoulders, and I could finally see just a slight glimmer of hope. Of optimism about the future. A future I wanted with _you_."

His emotions threatening to overwhelm him, Brian kissed him gently before replying, "You know I won't lie to you, and tell you that I know exactly what you went through back then. I mean, I know just by the nightmares you were having that you were reliving some of what had happened that night. But I hate that you had to go through what you did, Justin. That you kept all that pain inside of you."

Justin saw a tear escape Brian's eye as he tenderly wiped the moisture away with his thumb.

Taking a ragged breath and pressing his forehead to Justin's, Brian wrapped one hand around the back of Justin's neck as he whispered, "Why, Justin? Why didn't you talk to me about what you were going through? I was there. And while I will never really know everything you went through, I've sure as hell seen my share of abuse and physical pain." _And emotional pain_ , he couldn't help thinking. Especially regarding that night.

Justin pulled back to look into his partner's eyes; eyes that reflected his own pain, but for different reasons.

"I didn't talk about what happened to me when I was younger for a very long time," Brian continued. "I knew that Michael, Deb, and Vic would listen - and I don't know what I would have done if they hadn't been my refuge and support back then. But they didn't force me to tell them anything. They could see some of what was going on, but not all of it. I did tell Michael bits and pieces about some things my shitty father did to me when I was growing up, but not all of it." He half-smiled. "Good thing I had them, though, or I would have grown up to be an even bigger asshole than I turned out to be." He shook his head and grinned as he noticed Justin about to refute that statement. "Okay, _used_ to be," he corrected as Justin nodded in agreement. Brian had matured emotionally a great deal over the past several years, and most of his former bravado had been just a shield to protect himself.

Running his fingers through Brian's hair in a comforting way, Justin replied, "Maybe try what I did. Write it out, pour it onto paper, and even if you feel like it, burn it afterwards and don't tell anyone - not even me - what was on them. At least you would get it out of your system and off your mind. You know that I'm here if you want to talk about it, though. And you know it would stay just between us." He paused before continuing softly, "I love you more than you will know, Brian.. always."

Leaning more into his lover's comforting touch, Brian sighed and smiled, because Justin understood. "That works both ways, you know. About the...talking. And how I feel about YOU. But I might just do that. Maybe. But somehow I think it would be better to maybe do both. Write it down AND talk to you about it."

Justin smiled with a nod. "I do feel better, knowing that you know about it," he admitted. He never really wanted any more secrets between them, and his heart did feel even lighter now. Kissing the brunet once more, he noticed an odd look on his lover's face. "What?" he whispered curiously.

Looking into Justin's eyes, Brian asked, "The baby girl in the dream that gave you the choice." Justin nodded in remembrance. "Do you think that means there's a baby girl in our future? Is that something that you want, Justin?"

Scratching his jaw before holding Brian's hand again, Justin replied honestly, "I don't know. Maybe. It could mean there is a baby girl out there in the universe for us, and if there is, we would raise her with love and be everything she can be. It could also mean a new life for us; she could be the symbol for that," he stated. "I guess only time will tell. What would you think about that if it DID happen?"

Holding the side of Justin's face in the palm of his hand with his thumb and rubbing his jaw, Brian spoke softly, "If it turns out that there _is_ a little girl out there for us in our future, we would be kickass parents, just like we are with Gus. And God help any boyfriends or girlfriends that come her way, because they will get interrogated to the fullest. Only the best for _our_ children," he replied firmly.

Laughing now, Justin had to wipe away a tear that fell from his own face. "Yeah, God help them," he repeated, looking deep into Brian's eyes. "I really do love you, you know."

Looking back just as deeply, his partner responded, "I know. And...I love you, Sunshine. I think... no, I KNOW, that we need to get away for a break, to do something different, no clubs or bars; just something completely different. Is there anything that you have wanted to do for awhile, but haven't been able to?"

Justin smiled as a thought occurred to him. "That sounds like a wonderful idea. Actually, I've been wanting to go visit my grandparents in Canada for a long time. My dad stopped me before, but I want to see them. I've really missed them," he told Brian wistfully. "They're really great people; you would really like them."

Brian smiled before nodding. "Okay, then let's do that; let's go see them. Why on earth did your dad stop you from seeing them?"

Rolling his eyes, Justin replied, "Three guesses why."

Shaking his head and using air quotes, Brian didn't need more than one guess to get it right. "Your disgusting lifestyle."

Justin playfully punched Brian's shoulder. "Bingo, you got it," he confirmed, his lips pressed firmly together. "Asshole."

Getting up from his sitting position, Brian pulled Justin up with him. "Okay, let's book the trip, and then have some dinner. For once, I'M the one that's starved. By the way, what part of Canada are they in?"

Holding hands as they made their way to the computer to book it, Justin answered, "They live in Calgary, so there are lots of beautiful places to see."

Kissing Justin once more, he told his lover, "I can't wait."

* * *

A few minutes later, they had all their travel plans completed. "Looks like everything's arranged," Brian murmured as Justin stared at the itinerary on the computer screen and nodded, a pleased smile on his face.

"I can't wait to see them!" Justin exclaimed. "You'll love them; and I'm sure they'll love you. Can we surprise them, and not even tell them we're coming? They will be so excited! And they own a cabin on the lake with this swing that overlooks the water, and the best trout fishing. And we can take a boat out on the lake with a picnic lunch…"

Brian couldn't help smiling at the excited tone of his younger partner's voice. Kissing the side of Justin's forehead, he whispered, "Whatever you want, Sunshine. Now we can work on making some happy memories. And whatever the future brings, we'll be ready for it...together."

The end


End file.
